I wish you joy, and happiness...

"But above all this, I wish you love"

(hooray for cheesy, early 90s Whitney)

Two thousand and twelve, without a doubt, was quite the year.
A lot of good (if you took the time to look around you), plenty of ups and downs (If it weren't for our real estate agent? I would have slashed my wrists... house buying was the WORST experience this year... and at the same time? Probably the most rewarding)... Lost a few friends, gained better ones... witnessing my boys get one year closer to being grown men... realizing I am fully "recovered" in some areas, not so much in others (and this is ok).


I hate to sound cliche... but the year is what you make of it. Nobody can promise you greatness, but you can try to create it. Nobody can promise you happiness, but that doesn't mean you can't at least smile. And I'm not saying anything will be easy, but sometimes the best of characters are those who have had to work the hardest to get there. It will all be OK <3

My veteran... and the memories that haven't gone away

I can't believe it has been 8 years already, since the husband has been out of the army. That's a long time... and yet so many memories remain fresh in my mind.

Like not getting to talk to him for 5 weeks straight. No calls... no letters... nothing. No fault of his own, that's just how war works sometimes.

Or the time a chow hall got bombed.. and not getting a word from anybody for two days... all you knew was that two people from the unit were killed, and NOBODY is allowed to call home until next of kin are notified. So you spend two whole days bawling your eyes out, wishing with every fiber of your being that it's not *your* soldier. Then overwhelmed with guilt because it's still SOMEONES soldier...

I will never forget the look on his face when he finally got to meet our second baby for the first time... at nearly 7 months old. Pictures, I am sure, helped ease the pain. But nothing beats holding your child.

I still remember Xmas of 2003. It was just myself and the kids that year. I would be lying if I wasn't a little bitter... everybody getting to spend time with their families and loved ones.. while we were alone. Getting that call from Iraq made everything better, made the bitterness go away... because someone... the most important someone in our lives... made it a point to make that call, so we could indirectly spend some of the day together.

And homecoming... oh my gosh I don't think I ever clung so hard to that man before in my life. He was home, we were back together, and we would never have to go through this again.


That's just a lot of rambling.

I am amazed at what we've gotten through... I am amazed at how hard he continues to work.. amazed how we still continue to grow together, mature together, learn together... still making sacrifice and compromise...

Even when he's being the worlds biggest asshole, he still manages to make everything right.


Ok ok, so more mushy stuff. If you know a veteran, please thank them, hug them, shake their hand, buy them coffee... do something to show your appreciation. Saying "I appreciate you" is fine and all... but as the saying goes, *actions speak louder than words*... Act like you appreciate all that they've done.

Thankful fors... and.. other things

So it's that time of year where we all get sentimental and shit.... some of us will dig a little deeper in our pockets (HOPEFULLY) to help out the less fortunate... etc. Blah blah.

But since I actually like being thankful .. here are a few things I am, indeed, thankful for.


~The mangeek. My best friend. My hero. The biggest asshole I know, but also the biggest teddy bear I know as well.

My Christopher. My baby. My little helper. This kid is so amazing, so loving, so selfless. Always telling me "mom let me help you, you already do enough work"... (I'm also thankful he doesn't need therapy after all those times I reminded him that he tore me a new one... literally)

My Nathan Bug. My redheaded boy. My drama queen. The boy who takes any moment, and turns it into laughter. His smile is contagious... his wit is wicked sharp... this kid is going to rule the world someday.

My friends. The people who "get" me. The ones who know how fucked up and strange I am.. and not only LOVE that about me, but encourage me to fly that freak flag of mine high. The ones who have helped my find the courage to just be who I was meant to be...

My family. Although I often feel like the biggest black sheep of them all... They're still a part of me. Our agreements and disagreements have also helped shape who I am


Also, in no particular order.... a random list of things I am thankful for:

Coffee, calorie free sweetener, reeses cups, wine, vodka, glitter, bacon, 8 inch heels, porn shops, push up bras, fishnet stockings, pantene conditioner, tattoos, people who do my tattoos, unicorns, everything bagels, knee socks, knee boots, all you can eat sushi...

And let's not forget, the internets.

Things I have learned in life... (I've lost track of which number I'm on)

People spend far too much time focusing where they *don't belong*... (where they don't fit in, etc). That only adds to the whole "feeling lonely" thing...  Once you start realizing where you DO fit in? You care less about where you don't fit in. You'll be having too much of a good time/life where you were meant to be and who you were meant to surround yourself with.

It's cliche, but actions really do speak louder than words. Too many people talk a lot, and don't even walk hand in hand with their own words.

There is no such things as too many hugs and kisses

Want positive in your life? Be/think positively. (it works) Want negativity? Keep complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.

If you have *what feels like the world* depending on you... STOP and take some time for yourself. You're no good to anybody if you let yourself get run down/over.

Everybody has their own vices. The funny thing is, they're always going to judge your vice before they judge their own.

Various things I have learned over the years .. part 3

Sometimes, you really need to take a break.. even if there is still much to be done, your body needs a break every now and then. If you don't let your body rest? Your body WILL make you pay dearly...

There are people on this planet that will do you wrong, and not feel bad for it, nor say sorry. These same people will often be viewed as "outstanding citizens"... "good people".. (etc)...  carrying on their facade, while also carrying around dirty little secrets. (Of course, nobody is perfect, but that's never an excuse to hurt/abuse/use others). There is nothing you can do about this. Accept this. But also learn from this, rise above this, and be better than those people.

There are also those who will use any and every excuse in the book to not better themselves and their life. Don't be that person.

Believe in magic.

Eat more fruits and vegetables.  Your body deserves that much...

Talk TO your children, not AT your children. Let them voice their opinion, and don't raise your voice when you disagree with them. They're individuals, not robots that you program.  If you can't deal with having kid that has a different opinion/lifestyle than you? Then don't have kids. Get a dog.

Success is subjective.

I have a confession to make: I was voted "most likely to succeed" in high school.

The funny thing about that is, I didn't understand what "success" was. I was just the girl who graduated valedictorian, called on the stage numerous time for the awards... etc.. but beyond that? What was "success" after high school, and HOW do/did I achieve it?

Back then, I assumed it was going to the best college, get the best job, make most money...(I don't know how one achieves ANY of that without a decent stable/personal foundation to start life on.. but that's another story)... and when people expect so much from you, and you are unable to live up to *their* expectations... it is a HUGE blow to  your self esteem, and you carry that "failure" bag around. I was NOT successful... (and that bag was heavy)

Now that I'm older, with a little bit more life under my belt... my idea of "success" has changed quite a bit ... I still think college is important, but I've learned that you can be happy without it. Money is important... but not necessary for happiness. (I mean, the hub-monster and I... along with our 2 boys... have been poor as hell... to living comfortably. We've always been a happy family. Money had nothing to do with that. Sacrifice, quality time together, PATIENCE, and communication did all that).

To me, success means finding yourself, being happy, surviving the bad, sharing the good, and making the best of life.


In that respect, I have succeeded.

Being a pretty ugly girl in a pretty ugly world

If there's anything I learned about being pretty ... it's to forget what you see as being "pretty", and focus on what makes you FEEL pretty.

RUN: broken_record

I think I was an UGLY child. I was. I'll face it. I could have easily been found on that awkwardfamilyphotos website. I was tall, skinny (I mean SKINNY.. bordering on starvin marvin skinny), huge purple glasses.. I mean yah, I was a nerd (smart) but boy did I play the physical part WELL.

Eventually, I started experimenting with clothes and hair and make up. And I made plenty of mistakes in the process (who doesn't??). Eventually.. somewhere during my marriage.. I settled for the blonde hair thing... because everybody said I looked pretty (side note: What I am about to say is not me saying "blonde isn't pretty" so don't get all butthurt if you're a blonde) I didn't FEEL pretty though. Can one be pretty and not feel pretty? I think so. I decided to go back to my roots, literally. I went back to red hair. Which I like. And it helped.. but it wasn't enough.

Long story short, I went from being geeky looking redhead in HS, to a purple haired, tattooed, bombshell. Ok.. so I'm a little flat chested to be a bombshell. But my point is I FEEL pretty. THIS is what makes me pretty. Being colorful, being different, being decorated.... this is what feels pretty for me. No, it's not for everyone.. but neither is being blonde.. or wearing make up... or whatever it is you might do to make  yourself FEEL pretty.

Stop trying to figure out what it is that will please everyone else. Do what makes YOU happy. Wear what makes YOU happy. If you want to walk around wearing a tiara and a glittery feather boa? WHAT are you waiting for??? Permission?? PFFT!! Just do it. Do it once, do it a thousand times. Do it because you might just feel fucking fabulous.

Feeling pretty might bring on some snickers... or stares.. or insults. But that's their problem, not yours. Because chances are if that is the case? You have more pretty in your pinky toe, than someone judging you does in their entire body. Those people come and go. You'll be there with yourself for life. It's worth it to feel  pretty... for yourself <3 "You're worth it"

The Stay At Home Mom saga

Let me start by saying ALL mothers have a hard job. Period. Whether you're a working mom? Or a stay at home mom. It's an exhausting (but can be a rewarding) experience.

"It's not like you work"

"Oh, it's like being on vacation huh"

"Why isn't your house clean, you've been home all day"

"It must be nice to stay at home all day and do nothing"


These are phrases that have actually been said to my face. And you would think after a decade or so... I'd be used to them... but to this day, I am caught off guard with these very words (just not as often) and literally have no quick response other than "REALLY???"

So let me break it down a little bit... (based on the above phrases)

"It's not like you work"

Define work: WORK - noun - Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

Laundry, cooking, cleaning, balancing finances, (and the little extras.. like cleaning boo boos, helping with homework, baking, fixing torn clothing, etc etc et-effing-c)... hmm... sounds like work to me.

"It's like being on vacation"

Vacation - noun - A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest, and relaxation.

So yah, I'm on vacation... when I manage to get some sleep.

"Why isn't your house clean, you've been home all day"

Because sometimes, I am fucking tired. Because sometimes that's all I do.. I clean up the same shit over and over to get a clean house, and in less than 24 hours? It's all back to where it was before I lifted a finger. Sometimes, that makes you feel like you're going crazy. Some jobs offer mental health days or sick days. The few hours that I decide to say fuck it? Is kind of like a mental health hour for myself. If my messy house bothers you that much? You're more than welcome to come clean it up for me. But I'm not paying you.. because I don't get paid to do this shit either.

"It must be nice to stay at home all day and do nothing"

Oh, I know right?? I also have magical powers, wave a wand, and things just get done around here.

I'm not saying I have it harder than working mothers. I am however saying that whoever came up with those stupid stereotypes about what SAHMs do? Can take that thought and shove it up their ass.


BTW... who do you think takes care of the children of working mothers when school isn't in session? Well there is daycare (if they can afford it).. maybe a grandparent or other family member... or... oh yah... someone who is a SAHM. What would some people do without us!

Joy in little things.

This is just a random, won't mean much to you update on our plantlings.

The husbands pea plant:

Some flowers, that I'm just waiting for the flowers to actually come out and play:

And a good reason NOT to give up on plants. This kind of goes along with my previous plant post. They need LOVE to thrive (much like humans...) .. we almost gave up on this one... because we're not awesome (yet) when it comes to nature-y things... we kept these plants in the hall over the winter ... thought they were a lost cause... and the husband says you know? Let's at least try and get a little more life out of them.. and while it's not the prettiest plant (it's actually pathetic looking right now...)

There are a few new sprouts coming out!! Again, this may seem like no big deal to you... but for myself? well this plant reminds me of myself a little bit... just kind of given up on.. left for dead... but someone saw potential in it... and with a little love, time, and energy... new life is being breathed into it. In a couple of years, it will probably be more beautiful than the day we purchased it.

Slow down. Stop once in a while. I think people are too busy and stressed over trying to acquire as much as they can, that they miss the chance to see what they already have.

Losing my religion

This may be a sore subject for some people, or *offensive* to others. You'll either read it, and continue to judge me.. read it and get over it, or not even bother to read it but still judge me anyway. Whatever helps you sleep at night? Go for it. Doesn't affect me whatsoever.


Over the years, I have learned that religion is the touchiest subject EVER. (Along the lines of politics and abortion).
And over the years (TOO many years, if you ask me)... I have found my place in it all, where I am comfortable and happy.

Growing up in a religious household was confusing as fuck. That's the best way I can put it. I was told what to think, and don't question anything. That god lets bad things happen to good people to test their faith in him. (But don't question that). Do you know how that fucks with the head of an 8 year old girl who is being sexually molested by people who are supposed to be *protectors*? A LOT. But I eventually learned to accept the abuse, and believed that I not only deserved it, but I was the cause of it. And that somehow *god* found it necessary to let this happen to me because I was not a good enough "christian girl".
(I'm positive this was the cause of much of my self esteem issues growing up, as well as the cause of my 10 years of self mutilation/anorexia/BPD)
During my teenage years (much of which I don't recall, which is probably for the better)... I just remember defending my religion. But I had ZERO clue as to what the fuck I was defending. But I did it anyway. It didn't have to be logical, or make sense. Because *I* was right. Because it's what I was told and .. your parent(s) would NEVER lie to you...
Then I finally made it to adulthood. (which I actually didn't expect/intend to)... and traveled across the country to be with my love... and that experience had opened my eyes to an entire new world that I had NO clue existed. I met atheists, muslims, pagans, etc. All of whom I was told were hateful, unhappy, bitter people -when I was younger-. I mean I was CONVINCED of this. Holy shitballs was I wrong. They were just like me. Actually.. I take that back.. they were happier.
I began to read into various religions on my own. Trying real hard to throw away the rhetoric that was burned into my mind as a child, and instead read, and come to my own conclusions.

There was a lot of tears, a lot of confusion, a lot of questions, and a LOT of realizations. I wish it hadn't taken me this long to find this happy spot, but what matters most is that I am here and at peace.

I wholly believe that every person wants their beliefs to be respected. But, I don't see many of those people returning the favor to those of differing beliefs.

And in case you're wondering? I'm agnostic. I have pagan tendencies (it just feels so natural and warm to me)... secular humanist tendencies... (I like a logical discussion every now and then)... I think if jesus was a real dude, he'd be ashamed at how his *followers* were behaving these days...
 (a funny thing was said to me once... "You know, you're not even a christian, but you're the most christ-like person I know".... )
Which I think is true... and flattering..

Everybody wants to think they have the answer when it comes to religion. The fact is, there is no one answer. The answer lies in what feels right for you as an individual. What might work awesome for one person, might actually be a detriment to another persons life. FACT. I think we should spend less time on our high horse, and more time embracing our common denominators. Which is love, kindness, and treating others how we want to be treated. (And if you believe in unicorns like I do... then equality is high on that list as well).


I'm happy with my decision. You should be too. And we should respect that. (or stfu & gtfo)

Urban farming for dummies? and more Buffalo lovin

You won't be getting advice from me about the urban farming, because I'm the dummy. But I have to admit, the idea has more of my attention these days. We haven't even moved into our home, and my brain is already buzzing with ideas (thanks a lot hubs)... As a family, we've been thinking more about what we do has an impact on the world. Mostly little things...  but we're trying. And growing some of our own fruits and vegetables not only would allow us to feed our kids better, healthier options... it'll save money on the food bill (don't worry... I'll still be stimulating the economy with my shoe purchasing) and any extra can be given to our friends and neighbors (sharing ftw). It's winning all around.

So for shits and giggles, I googled "Urban Farming". Guess what... 5 or 6 links down? are BUFFALO links. That's right. Buffalo sucks eh, but the city was on the first page of search results for urban farming. Pretty impressive if I do say so myself... (and nice to see the city TRYING to be more productive). In your face Buffalo haters!
The Massachusetts Project is a good example: http://mass-ave.org/ Located in the west side of Buffalo.. take a few minutes to check the site out.


On a completely unrelated to the title of this blog note, we should take the time to listen to children more. They have a lot to say.. and grown ups are too "busy" to listen to them. Then said grown ups want to complain when the children act out. Plus, kids aren't dumb. They act dumb sometimes, but really that's their way of filtering out all the grown up dumb.

Various things I have learned over the years .. part 2

You're never too old to enjoy watching children's programming (preferably PBS, but whatever makes you happiest)

One of the most bittersweet moments in life is when you realize you're having an adult conversation with your child. (But you can find comfort in that when you know you both are on the same page)

They say  you don't get to pick your family... I disagree with this statement. I have plenty of non-relative people who I consider family to me.

Everybody wants their beliefs to be respected... but few are willing to return the favor.

It's perfectly ok to eat ice cream for breakfast once in a while.

Sometimes you're rich.. sometimes you're poor. But if you can't find happiness in less, what makes you think you'll find happiness in more? (rhyming FTW)

If someone is talking about someone else behind their back, to you... chances are... they're talking about you behind your back to other people as well.

Wear what makes you feel pretty

Never miss an opportunity to tell someone you love, "I love you"

Why I heart my city

I've lived in Buffalo for the better part of my life. It wasn't until the husband got out of the military that we truly discovered the treasures that this city has.

Anytime I hear someone say they hate Buffalo, it's such a horrible place to live.. I can't help but think they live under a rock. Drugs and violence? Tell me what city DOESN'T have that?! I'm sorry, but if you think Buffalo is rittled with drugs and dealers.. guess who they're selling them to? That's right. Suburbia. Get the fuck over it. We are no different than any other city. We have our good parts, and our bad parts. But it's still a fantastic city.


Buffalo, as a city, has a LOT to offer.. and until you get off your ass and check it out for yourself? You'll never know. (But you'll think you do, you just don't... sorry).

For example? Plenty of festivals. Art festivals, food festivals, etc. What about free concerts? If you don't like who is playing? Fine, don't go. But it never killed anybody to try out a new music genre ... There's Shakespeare at the park (http://shakespeareindelawarepark.org/ for more info). If shopping is your thing? And you're tired of the regular walmart, target, whatever? Take a walk down the Elmwood strip. The store fronts alone can be entertaining to the eye, and you'll find some pretty cool stuff in these stores that you won't find in your average french fry shop. Hungry? Drive down hertel ave... if the smell alone doesn't drive you insane with food lust? See an ENT. And a shrink while you're at it. Because you're nuts.
If the night life scene is your thing? Chippewa is filled with all of that (though I prefer more gay in my drinks... and thankfully Buffalo has an excellent LGBT scene.. they're like my family).

Hell, anytime friends visit from out of state, they always have fantastic stories to tell from their visit :-D

I'm happy to say that we even purchased our home in Buffalo. (And there are some GORGEOUS homes in Buffalo.. I would have loved to owned a home on Bidwell Ave, Delaware Ave, etc.. sadly, not in our price range.. ) But we found a good sized home, with a good sized lot, for a great price. And the taxes on the house? NOT scary at all.


So hate on Buffalo if you want... (but I'm just going to assume you're a Grade A snob)... I love this city. It has it's bad apples... (AGAIN, may I point out.. what city doesn't)... but it has entertainment, it has character, and it has history. And that is why I plan to stay here for quite a while...

I don't have to paint my thumb green anymore!

I think??

Since I'm pretty much stuck at home most days... and severely lacking in adult conversation/stimulation... (and while I love crocheting, I still need a mental break from *that* even)...  I have once again, tried my hand at growing plants.

I have never been able to grow a plant before. I've TRIED.  And for the longest time I just left it as me having a "black thumb of death".  Either plants just don't like me, or I am cursed.  It came to a point where I would just buy plants and try (key word: TRY) to keep them alive.
How hard could it be??? Add water and sun?

I am now convinced... that like humans? Plants NEED LOVE to THRIVE.  This year I decided to actually give a shit about what I was growing. And the results so far? (ok, nothing to write home about BUT....)

Ok, so I can't even remember what kind of flowers I planted in this thing. But there WILL be flowers, and they WILL be alive :)
Also:

I don't know what kind of flowers these will be either (LISTEN, DON'T judge me ok?) But they're growing!

Finally: 

The husbands pea plants. (I'm not brave enough to grow anything that goes in my mouth just yet).


I admit, none of these are show stoppers... but I grew them, and I'm proud of that. Just more proof that stepping out of your comfort zone (even if you have to KEEP doing so)... can be a good thing.

We should all be so lucky

Recently, we just got out of a financial funk.
And by funk I mean house buying is hell and I'm just glad the numbers are working with us again. We've worked too hard together, for this crap to fall through!

But, spending a few months being *dirt poor* certainly reminded me of what's really important, all over again.
I grew up relatively poor (think hand me down clothes only... shoes that were always too small, government cheese - hey, that stuff was good though!) so I'm a bit surprised that I found it to be so hard at first. I should be used to this right? (well, I am now...)

We haven't been *out to dinner* since... (honestly, I can't remember.. but I wanna say february?) but, that gave me plenty of reason to spruce up my already delicious Noms at home. Which has paid off, because my once picky youngest child now can't wait to see what mom cooks next. He recently told me "Mom, everything you cook is delicious, I love your food". (SO worth it)

We haven't seen a new movie since the holidays... but we're re-watching old ones that we haven't watched in forever... and *forgetting* how funny some of them are (or good, or.. crazy.. )

We've taken a small step out of the major food chain zone .. and learned that going to the farmers market is not only enjoyable for ALL of us, but it's helped my boys to want to try new produce, and helped me stretch a dollar a bit further, while still keeping healthy options in the house. (I mean, I'm glad the kids like ramen and all.. but it's not exactly what I WANT to be giving my kids)


The funny thing now... is that we're good again. We don't have to keep counting pennies... but it's become habit. Which I guess is good. I did splurge on a few *feel good* things, but other than that.. we're still in this mental habit of save save save. We're still in this mode of *what else can we do to help ourselves, but still have a positive effect somehow*... *how else can we cut costs*...
I am even growing my own flowers for cripes sake! Normally I just drop a hundred on already grown flower pots.  This year, I'm doing it myself (and so far, doing good.. considering I normally have a black thumb of death). If you know me, you know why this is a huge deal.


Though I will say this much... once this is all over.. I'm putting this saving crap to good use. The hubs, myself, and our kids? We've never been on a "vacation". Hubs and I have also never been on a honey moon. I think with all this saving, and as hard as we worked over the years... that's going to be my goal. An epic family vacation/honeymoon. Just for us. Because goddamit we deserve it. (Ok I'm done)

Are you my *daddy*??

For as long as I could remember... the concept of *daddy* was completely foreign to me. I had only heard stories of loving fathers, or maybe even seen a few examples in friends dads...  but it was still an unreal thing to me.
The words "father", "dad", and "daddy" (or anything similar) usually left me with feelings of dread.. (kind of still does to be honest). Bad memories. Feelings of never being good enough, regardless of all my accomplishments/achievements. NEVER being worthy of a single "I love you". (But clearly, worthy of plenty of pain, among *other* things)...
I guess that's what happens when you're born with a vagina in this family.

I often talk about "breaking the cycle"... though, when this all started, I wasn't sure how to how to do that. (Break the cycle). But with the help of an amazing partner ... we're doing just that. If all children were as fortunate as mine are, to have such a wonderful dad in their life... (and he is).. this world would easily be a better place.

*Not ruling with an iron fist - but hugs, and a firm hand for guidance
*Not expecting perfection - NOTHING can be "perfect" (nothing worth having in life, anyway)
*All children in the home get treated equally - All are protected at all costs

These few examples should be basic common sense in a home. Sadly, this is not the case. And I wish I could  change this fact... but I would make myself sick with worry over being being able to.
I can only be grateful that my kids have what I didn't have in a father... and it shows in their smiles, and self esteem.

All the small things

I am missing lots of little things these days... things that were a normal part of my life, that are temporarily a "luxury"
(If you know what's going on? You might understand.. if you don't? Well, you know how to reach me)


I miss going out to dinner. (But I discovered the joy of getting caught in the rain)

I miss hanging out with friends (But discovered that google hangouts are actually a good substitute)

I miss driving around aimlessly just to get out of the house. (But getting out of the house seems that much more exciting now)

I miss going out to dance the night away (But hula hooping to music is just as fun.. and you can't hula hoop surrounded by people)

I miss shopping at sephora (But I'm discovering new ways to create new looks with things I already have)


But it's just that. Little things. I still have what's important...  love, acceptance, warmth, safety, and laughter...

Funny... these hippies didn't smell

I've been in a funk these last few weeks.  I'm pretty sure a lot of it has to do with realization (I get those a lot), and in all of that... I suppose a sort of mourning, for lack of better words.

So the sick feeling came and went... the tears were shed... had my little breakdown...

(This is where I get up.. dust myself off..  flip off the world and say "Try again fucker, you missed me".)


Speaking of hippies... today we decided to pay a visit to the farmers market. I needed to go grocery shopping anyway.. and I needed to be outside because cabin fever is really, REALLY getting to me.
There was something about being surrounded by like minded (and friendly!!) people... the smell of fresh local produce.. the sight of some the most beautiful and bright flower arrangements... and getting caught in the rain among all this....  that really felt like a full body/mind cleanse. Mother Earth, you are indeed the best medicine sometimes.

children and choices

Someone once asked me how to do I get my children to behave so well...

I just responded with "They don't have a choice".

That's actually not all true. In fact, it's kind of the opposite.



When I was growing up, it was either "(G)ods" way, my *fathers* way, or the highway. The highway wasn't even really an option either.. because if you tried? You were guaranteed to be dragged back to the hell that was "home". The remaining options were nothing but blame, shame, and pain.
(Random thought: I always thought it was pretty ironic... to have a parent who worked at a psychiatric hospital... and having a large handful of their kids end up fucked up in the head, and not receiving any proper treatment... or .. working at such a place, and your job is to help people... only to come home and do the opposite to your own flesh and blood)

There was never a choice for me growing up.
I can't do that to my kids.
I want them to have choices. I want them to have their own opinions. I WANT them to question me. I want them to question everything, and come to their own conclusions.

Basically, I'm just taking everything my own parents did (in regards to raising kids), and I do the opposite. And so far, it seems to be working well for us. My kids are happy, healthy, and more importantly? They know they are loved.  They know they can come talk to me about anything, without worrying about being judged, or being yelled at, or whatever it is that causes kids to not want to talk to their parents. (I didn't have any of this growing up. I lived in fear most of my childhood).

I like to call this breaking the cycle.

If you look up irony in the dictionary, my life will flash before your eyes

"Only a dog wants a bone"

"REAL men only want thick women"


I have a problem with these phrases (or any similar phrases).
It is no longer a secret (nor should it surprise anyone) that I am a *recovering anorexic*. (I say recovering, because I don't consider myself completely recovered... I still have bad days.. I just have far more good days than bad days now).
My partner has seen me at my lowest weight. He has also seen me at my highest weight. At both weights, and everything in between, he has never treated me differently.

Anorexia, for me, wasn't about weight. It was about control.. (as were all my other self destructive body behaviors... I could seriously write a book about all the bullshit I've been through/put myself through... but one thing at a time...). I remember going weeks at a time without eating. Because what I put in my body, (at the time.. and don't judge me and my over use of parenthesis) was the only thing I felt I had control over in life.
Unfortunately, I carried this into a marriage...  not really fair to him... but it's not a light switch... you can't just turn it off.

So only a dog wants a bone... considering "dogs" are by far, more loyal than humans... considering the husband-guy has been loyal to me throughout this entire thing... (see what I did there?)
Like I always say.. *A real man doesn't love a thin girl. A real man doesn't love a thick girl. A real man loves HIS girl* (and obviously, me being the equal opportunity lover that I am, genders can be switched around and out to suit your needs).


Above all, love yourself. And love your health.

Sometimes I only see black when I stand up too fast

.... sometimes life really tries to throw you off balance too.
These last few days have left me feeling like my head is literally spinning. And there is nothing in sight for me to hold my balance...
And I know good things are coming... but will it be this time? Or next time? There's a lot of stop and go... the last time I felt *this* stressed out and lost was when my husband was in Iraq.
It's frustrating.. to keep trying so hard at something... and it continues to be just out of your reach.  It's even harder when you see other people who have what it is that you're working for... even WORSE... when they have all the help they need... or WORSE? Things just handed to them ..

But that's the petty bitch in me talking I suppose.

 If someone is talking to you about someone else, there is a good chance they are talking to someone else about you

Staying strong. Preferably breakfast blend..

Sometimes, I hate being thought of as "strong". When you've been through what I have... that's what you are known for... your strength.
Which is all good and well... until a moment comes where you aren't feeling strong. You need help in some way... but no where to turn because everybody is out of sight...  they're gone because they knew you were strong enough to "handle anything".  (Or because you're no longer handing out cash/personal time like it's tic tacs?? I'm still not sure to be honest....)

I still have moments of weakness, and utter loneliness. Because I'm human. And maybe I am strong enough to get through these times without help from the people who supposedly love me...  but that doesn't mean I WANT to do it on my own. I've been doing life and handling all the hard stuff *on my own* (with the help of a few select in my adulthood)... for what seems like forever. And like anything else in life? It gets old....


(which is probably why I just accept drinking day old coffee ... at least I can count on that to pick me up)

evolving, and other things..

It's funny... when you're little, you just accept things as they're told to you. You say things because you hear everyone else saying them.. so you just assume it's truth and *right* and... whatever.
For as long as I can remember, it was always "Happy Memorial Day"... happy memorial day! Yay another reason to BBQ... the *official* start of summer season... etc etc.

And then, I became an army wife... ok... happy memorial day

And then, we lost friends during Operation Iraqi Freedom (Operation anything after that).
It's not really a happy memorial day. It's a wake up to what this day is supposed to stand for.... I'm happy because *my* soldier made it home, alive, in relatively good condition. But let me tell you, that happiness sours quick when you hear TAPS playing, and seeing the faces of your friends plastered on the white wall, and it's a sick, sinking realization that you are never going to see them again. There will never be anymore laughs with them during summer BBQs... they're gone.

Since then... hearing "Happy Memorial Day" makes me cringe.  Almost angry...  it kind of makes me want to go around saying "Happy Day your dog died".... "Happy Day you found out you got cancer"....


Holidays in general, have drastically changed in meaning for me... some I celebrate differently, some.. I don't bother with celebrating at all anymore...  but memorial day in particular...
Be happy that life does go on...


(growing up and expanding my mind, has done wonders for me..)

If I could turn back time....

My 12 year old son is at that age where we can have conversations about life.
This is a bittersweet thing.

He asks a lot of questions...

Just recently he asked more about my biological father (I don't have a relationship with that man)...  and while I want to answer my sons questions honestly, I also try to do so in a way that I am not traumatizing this kid either...  and I can see the sadness in this boys eyes. He's real sensitive...  he looks sad that his own mother didn't get the chance to have the childhood that he currently has... and I try to reassure him that it's ok... we can't change the past, we can only control the future (to a degree of course).
He tells me "I'm going to invent a time machine, so I can go back in time and punch your dad in the face" ... Baby that wouldn't do any good, but I appreciate the sentiment :)

He understand a LOT more than people give him credit for... but at the same time, there are little things he doesn't quite get. Like how do you come from the same family and everybody be so different... different enough in fact, that it keeps families from being a family... even I can't explain that one.  All I can tell him is that no matter what... we will always be are own little family...and there will ALWAYS be love in our home (anything else is not acceptable, NOR is it welcomed)....


My kids have made me so much wiser.... :)

If the shoe fits

I often have a lot on my mind... (who doesn't, I guess..)

Sometimes, I'm afraid of even putting it out there for people to see... a fear of getting judged.... which seems funny to me, because I was raised to not judge people... that "only "god" can judge".. (Yet, that very fabric I came from... has always been the quickest to judge me)

The irony of my life....

Anyway...
Lately, I've had an overwhelming realization of where I don't fit in... where I don't belong...
That bothers me only because there's a bigger picture where I fit in perfectly.  And I KNOW this. So why am I bothered by the smaller things? Sadness maybe... (I mean, it is kind of sad knowing you don't fit in where you came from... but honestly, it's not worth the sacrifice and misery on my end... just for a kumbaya)

I've spent far too many years (and WAY too many tears) getting to where I am ... in my head, and in my heart... to let anything take my self-worth away.


I need to use my magic to jump into the big picture... where I can stay. Safe and sound.

Come one, come all

I really try to find inspiration and magic in the things most people wouldn't give a second thought about... (or another glance, or another moment of their time... etc etc)
It's those things that have kept me going, and made me feel like there's a bigger purpose for me on this planet.

I still haven't figured out exactly what that is yet... and that alone is frustrating.


In the meantime, I'm just really glad for my life partner, and my spawnlings... as sad as this might sound? I have a sense of belonging... purpose... like, it's completely OK for me to be who I am, because who I am fits perfectly where we are.

Various things I have learned over the years

It is completely impossible, to make EVERYONE happy. So quit trying.

Sometimes, you will never be good enough for someone. And that's ok.  Chances are, there are other people who think you're beyond amazing... just the way you are.
(And yet, no matter how *not good enough* you are? Your money will always be good enough. Take my word for it.)

You can be brought into this world, and not fit into your clan. That's ok too... just make your own clan.

You can have a rough life, and still turn out ok. (But you have to make the choice: Be a product of your past? Or be a product of hard work, determination, self-love, personal integrity, and belief in YOURSELF... stop taking credit away from yourself).

Don't let physical limitations stop you from living life. There are people with no legs running circles around you at this very moment.

Be patient. Sometimes you get what you want right away... sometimes it can take years...  if you can't be patient... you'll never be happy.



(to be continued...)