We should all be so lucky

Recently, we just got out of a financial funk.
And by funk I mean house buying is hell and I'm just glad the numbers are working with us again. We've worked too hard together, for this crap to fall through!

But, spending a few months being *dirt poor* certainly reminded me of what's really important, all over again.
I grew up relatively poor (think hand me down clothes only... shoes that were always too small, government cheese - hey, that stuff was good though!) so I'm a bit surprised that I found it to be so hard at first. I should be used to this right? (well, I am now...)

We haven't been *out to dinner* since... (honestly, I can't remember.. but I wanna say february?) but, that gave me plenty of reason to spruce up my already delicious Noms at home. Which has paid off, because my once picky youngest child now can't wait to see what mom cooks next. He recently told me "Mom, everything you cook is delicious, I love your food". (SO worth it)

We haven't seen a new movie since the holidays... but we're re-watching old ones that we haven't watched in forever... and *forgetting* how funny some of them are (or good, or.. crazy.. )

We've taken a small step out of the major food chain zone .. and learned that going to the farmers market is not only enjoyable for ALL of us, but it's helped my boys to want to try new produce, and helped me stretch a dollar a bit further, while still keeping healthy options in the house. (I mean, I'm glad the kids like ramen and all.. but it's not exactly what I WANT to be giving my kids)


The funny thing now... is that we're good again. We don't have to keep counting pennies... but it's become habit. Which I guess is good. I did splurge on a few *feel good* things, but other than that.. we're still in this mental habit of save save save. We're still in this mode of *what else can we do to help ourselves, but still have a positive effect somehow*... *how else can we cut costs*...
I am even growing my own flowers for cripes sake! Normally I just drop a hundred on already grown flower pots.  This year, I'm doing it myself (and so far, doing good.. considering I normally have a black thumb of death). If you know me, you know why this is a huge deal.


Though I will say this much... once this is all over.. I'm putting this saving crap to good use. The hubs, myself, and our kids? We've never been on a "vacation". Hubs and I have also never been on a honey moon. I think with all this saving, and as hard as we worked over the years... that's going to be my goal. An epic family vacation/honeymoon. Just for us. Because goddamit we deserve it. (Ok I'm done)

Are you my *daddy*??

For as long as I could remember... the concept of *daddy* was completely foreign to me. I had only heard stories of loving fathers, or maybe even seen a few examples in friends dads...  but it was still an unreal thing to me.
The words "father", "dad", and "daddy" (or anything similar) usually left me with feelings of dread.. (kind of still does to be honest). Bad memories. Feelings of never being good enough, regardless of all my accomplishments/achievements. NEVER being worthy of a single "I love you". (But clearly, worthy of plenty of pain, among *other* things)...
I guess that's what happens when you're born with a vagina in this family.

I often talk about "breaking the cycle"... though, when this all started, I wasn't sure how to how to do that. (Break the cycle). But with the help of an amazing partner ... we're doing just that. If all children were as fortunate as mine are, to have such a wonderful dad in their life... (and he is).. this world would easily be a better place.

*Not ruling with an iron fist - but hugs, and a firm hand for guidance
*Not expecting perfection - NOTHING can be "perfect" (nothing worth having in life, anyway)
*All children in the home get treated equally - All are protected at all costs

These few examples should be basic common sense in a home. Sadly, this is not the case. And I wish I could  change this fact... but I would make myself sick with worry over being being able to.
I can only be grateful that my kids have what I didn't have in a father... and it shows in their smiles, and self esteem.

All the small things

I am missing lots of little things these days... things that were a normal part of my life, that are temporarily a "luxury"
(If you know what's going on? You might understand.. if you don't? Well, you know how to reach me)


I miss going out to dinner. (But I discovered the joy of getting caught in the rain)

I miss hanging out with friends (But discovered that google hangouts are actually a good substitute)

I miss driving around aimlessly just to get out of the house. (But getting out of the house seems that much more exciting now)

I miss going out to dance the night away (But hula hooping to music is just as fun.. and you can't hula hoop surrounded by people)

I miss shopping at sephora (But I'm discovering new ways to create new looks with things I already have)


But it's just that. Little things. I still have what's important...  love, acceptance, warmth, safety, and laughter...

Funny... these hippies didn't smell

I've been in a funk these last few weeks.  I'm pretty sure a lot of it has to do with realization (I get those a lot), and in all of that... I suppose a sort of mourning, for lack of better words.

So the sick feeling came and went... the tears were shed... had my little breakdown...

(This is where I get up.. dust myself off..  flip off the world and say "Try again fucker, you missed me".)


Speaking of hippies... today we decided to pay a visit to the farmers market. I needed to go grocery shopping anyway.. and I needed to be outside because cabin fever is really, REALLY getting to me.
There was something about being surrounded by like minded (and friendly!!) people... the smell of fresh local produce.. the sight of some the most beautiful and bright flower arrangements... and getting caught in the rain among all this....  that really felt like a full body/mind cleanse. Mother Earth, you are indeed the best medicine sometimes.

children and choices

Someone once asked me how to do I get my children to behave so well...

I just responded with "They don't have a choice".

That's actually not all true. In fact, it's kind of the opposite.



When I was growing up, it was either "(G)ods" way, my *fathers* way, or the highway. The highway wasn't even really an option either.. because if you tried? You were guaranteed to be dragged back to the hell that was "home". The remaining options were nothing but blame, shame, and pain.
(Random thought: I always thought it was pretty ironic... to have a parent who worked at a psychiatric hospital... and having a large handful of their kids end up fucked up in the head, and not receiving any proper treatment... or .. working at such a place, and your job is to help people... only to come home and do the opposite to your own flesh and blood)

There was never a choice for me growing up.
I can't do that to my kids.
I want them to have choices. I want them to have their own opinions. I WANT them to question me. I want them to question everything, and come to their own conclusions.

Basically, I'm just taking everything my own parents did (in regards to raising kids), and I do the opposite. And so far, it seems to be working well for us. My kids are happy, healthy, and more importantly? They know they are loved.  They know they can come talk to me about anything, without worrying about being judged, or being yelled at, or whatever it is that causes kids to not want to talk to their parents. (I didn't have any of this growing up. I lived in fear most of my childhood).

I like to call this breaking the cycle.

If you look up irony in the dictionary, my life will flash before your eyes

"Only a dog wants a bone"

"REAL men only want thick women"


I have a problem with these phrases (or any similar phrases).
It is no longer a secret (nor should it surprise anyone) that I am a *recovering anorexic*. (I say recovering, because I don't consider myself completely recovered... I still have bad days.. I just have far more good days than bad days now).
My partner has seen me at my lowest weight. He has also seen me at my highest weight. At both weights, and everything in between, he has never treated me differently.

Anorexia, for me, wasn't about weight. It was about control.. (as were all my other self destructive body behaviors... I could seriously write a book about all the bullshit I've been through/put myself through... but one thing at a time...). I remember going weeks at a time without eating. Because what I put in my body, (at the time.. and don't judge me and my over use of parenthesis) was the only thing I felt I had control over in life.
Unfortunately, I carried this into a marriage...  not really fair to him... but it's not a light switch... you can't just turn it off.

So only a dog wants a bone... considering "dogs" are by far, more loyal than humans... considering the husband-guy has been loyal to me throughout this entire thing... (see what I did there?)
Like I always say.. *A real man doesn't love a thin girl. A real man doesn't love a thick girl. A real man loves HIS girl* (and obviously, me being the equal opportunity lover that I am, genders can be switched around and out to suit your needs).


Above all, love yourself. And love your health.

Sometimes I only see black when I stand up too fast

.... sometimes life really tries to throw you off balance too.
These last few days have left me feeling like my head is literally spinning. And there is nothing in sight for me to hold my balance...
And I know good things are coming... but will it be this time? Or next time? There's a lot of stop and go... the last time I felt *this* stressed out and lost was when my husband was in Iraq.
It's frustrating.. to keep trying so hard at something... and it continues to be just out of your reach.  It's even harder when you see other people who have what it is that you're working for... even WORSE... when they have all the help they need... or WORSE? Things just handed to them ..

But that's the petty bitch in me talking I suppose.