If someone is talking to you about someone else, there is a good chance they are talking to someone else about you

Staying strong. Preferably breakfast blend..

Sometimes, I hate being thought of as "strong". When you've been through what I have... that's what you are known for... your strength.
Which is all good and well... until a moment comes where you aren't feeling strong. You need help in some way... but no where to turn because everybody is out of sight...  they're gone because they knew you were strong enough to "handle anything".  (Or because you're no longer handing out cash/personal time like it's tic tacs?? I'm still not sure to be honest....)

I still have moments of weakness, and utter loneliness. Because I'm human. And maybe I am strong enough to get through these times without help from the people who supposedly love me...  but that doesn't mean I WANT to do it on my own. I've been doing life and handling all the hard stuff *on my own* (with the help of a few select in my adulthood)... for what seems like forever. And like anything else in life? It gets old....


(which is probably why I just accept drinking day old coffee ... at least I can count on that to pick me up)

evolving, and other things..

It's funny... when you're little, you just accept things as they're told to you. You say things because you hear everyone else saying them.. so you just assume it's truth and *right* and... whatever.
For as long as I can remember, it was always "Happy Memorial Day"... happy memorial day! Yay another reason to BBQ... the *official* start of summer season... etc etc.

And then, I became an army wife... ok... happy memorial day

And then, we lost friends during Operation Iraqi Freedom (Operation anything after that).
It's not really a happy memorial day. It's a wake up to what this day is supposed to stand for.... I'm happy because *my* soldier made it home, alive, in relatively good condition. But let me tell you, that happiness sours quick when you hear TAPS playing, and seeing the faces of your friends plastered on the white wall, and it's a sick, sinking realization that you are never going to see them again. There will never be anymore laughs with them during summer BBQs... they're gone.

Since then... hearing "Happy Memorial Day" makes me cringe.  Almost angry...  it kind of makes me want to go around saying "Happy Day your dog died".... "Happy Day you found out you got cancer"....


Holidays in general, have drastically changed in meaning for me... some I celebrate differently, some.. I don't bother with celebrating at all anymore...  but memorial day in particular...
Be happy that life does go on...


(growing up and expanding my mind, has done wonders for me..)

If I could turn back time....

My 12 year old son is at that age where we can have conversations about life.
This is a bittersweet thing.

He asks a lot of questions...

Just recently he asked more about my biological father (I don't have a relationship with that man)...  and while I want to answer my sons questions honestly, I also try to do so in a way that I am not traumatizing this kid either...  and I can see the sadness in this boys eyes. He's real sensitive...  he looks sad that his own mother didn't get the chance to have the childhood that he currently has... and I try to reassure him that it's ok... we can't change the past, we can only control the future (to a degree of course).
He tells me "I'm going to invent a time machine, so I can go back in time and punch your dad in the face" ... Baby that wouldn't do any good, but I appreciate the sentiment :)

He understand a LOT more than people give him credit for... but at the same time, there are little things he doesn't quite get. Like how do you come from the same family and everybody be so different... different enough in fact, that it keeps families from being a family... even I can't explain that one.  All I can tell him is that no matter what... we will always be are own little family...and there will ALWAYS be love in our home (anything else is not acceptable, NOR is it welcomed)....


My kids have made me so much wiser.... :)

If the shoe fits

I often have a lot on my mind... (who doesn't, I guess..)

Sometimes, I'm afraid of even putting it out there for people to see... a fear of getting judged.... which seems funny to me, because I was raised to not judge people... that "only "god" can judge".. (Yet, that very fabric I came from... has always been the quickest to judge me)

The irony of my life....

Anyway...
Lately, I've had an overwhelming realization of where I don't fit in... where I don't belong...
That bothers me only because there's a bigger picture where I fit in perfectly.  And I KNOW this. So why am I bothered by the smaller things? Sadness maybe... (I mean, it is kind of sad knowing you don't fit in where you came from... but honestly, it's not worth the sacrifice and misery on my end... just for a kumbaya)

I've spent far too many years (and WAY too many tears) getting to where I am ... in my head, and in my heart... to let anything take my self-worth away.


I need to use my magic to jump into the big picture... where I can stay. Safe and sound.

Come one, come all

I really try to find inspiration and magic in the things most people wouldn't give a second thought about... (or another glance, or another moment of their time... etc etc)
It's those things that have kept me going, and made me feel like there's a bigger purpose for me on this planet.

I still haven't figured out exactly what that is yet... and that alone is frustrating.


In the meantime, I'm just really glad for my life partner, and my spawnlings... as sad as this might sound? I have a sense of belonging... purpose... like, it's completely OK for me to be who I am, because who I am fits perfectly where we are.

Various things I have learned over the years

It is completely impossible, to make EVERYONE happy. So quit trying.

Sometimes, you will never be good enough for someone. And that's ok.  Chances are, there are other people who think you're beyond amazing... just the way you are.
(And yet, no matter how *not good enough* you are? Your money will always be good enough. Take my word for it.)

You can be brought into this world, and not fit into your clan. That's ok too... just make your own clan.

You can have a rough life, and still turn out ok. (But you have to make the choice: Be a product of your past? Or be a product of hard work, determination, self-love, personal integrity, and belief in YOURSELF... stop taking credit away from yourself).

Don't let physical limitations stop you from living life. There are people with no legs running circles around you at this very moment.

Be patient. Sometimes you get what you want right away... sometimes it can take years...  if you can't be patient... you'll never be happy.



(to be continued...)