I wish you joy, and happiness...

"But above all this, I wish you love"

(hooray for cheesy, early 90s Whitney)

Two thousand and twelve, without a doubt, was quite the year.
A lot of good (if you took the time to look around you), plenty of ups and downs (If it weren't for our real estate agent? I would have slashed my wrists... house buying was the WORST experience this year... and at the same time? Probably the most rewarding)... Lost a few friends, gained better ones... witnessing my boys get one year closer to being grown men... realizing I am fully "recovered" in some areas, not so much in others (and this is ok).


I hate to sound cliche... but the year is what you make of it. Nobody can promise you greatness, but you can try to create it. Nobody can promise you happiness, but that doesn't mean you can't at least smile. And I'm not saying anything will be easy, but sometimes the best of characters are those who have had to work the hardest to get there. It will all be OK <3

My veteran... and the memories that haven't gone away

I can't believe it has been 8 years already, since the husband has been out of the army. That's a long time... and yet so many memories remain fresh in my mind.

Like not getting to talk to him for 5 weeks straight. No calls... no letters... nothing. No fault of his own, that's just how war works sometimes.

Or the time a chow hall got bombed.. and not getting a word from anybody for two days... all you knew was that two people from the unit were killed, and NOBODY is allowed to call home until next of kin are notified. So you spend two whole days bawling your eyes out, wishing with every fiber of your being that it's not *your* soldier. Then overwhelmed with guilt because it's still SOMEONES soldier...

I will never forget the look on his face when he finally got to meet our second baby for the first time... at nearly 7 months old. Pictures, I am sure, helped ease the pain. But nothing beats holding your child.

I still remember Xmas of 2003. It was just myself and the kids that year. I would be lying if I wasn't a little bitter... everybody getting to spend time with their families and loved ones.. while we were alone. Getting that call from Iraq made everything better, made the bitterness go away... because someone... the most important someone in our lives... made it a point to make that call, so we could indirectly spend some of the day together.

And homecoming... oh my gosh I don't think I ever clung so hard to that man before in my life. He was home, we were back together, and we would never have to go through this again.


That's just a lot of rambling.

I am amazed at what we've gotten through... I am amazed at how hard he continues to work.. amazed how we still continue to grow together, mature together, learn together... still making sacrifice and compromise...

Even when he's being the worlds biggest asshole, he still manages to make everything right.


Ok ok, so more mushy stuff. If you know a veteran, please thank them, hug them, shake their hand, buy them coffee... do something to show your appreciation. Saying "I appreciate you" is fine and all... but as the saying goes, *actions speak louder than words*... Act like you appreciate all that they've done.

Thankful fors... and.. other things

So it's that time of year where we all get sentimental and shit.... some of us will dig a little deeper in our pockets (HOPEFULLY) to help out the less fortunate... etc. Blah blah.

But since I actually like being thankful .. here are a few things I am, indeed, thankful for.


~The mangeek. My best friend. My hero. The biggest asshole I know, but also the biggest teddy bear I know as well.

My Christopher. My baby. My little helper. This kid is so amazing, so loving, so selfless. Always telling me "mom let me help you, you already do enough work"... (I'm also thankful he doesn't need therapy after all those times I reminded him that he tore me a new one... literally)

My Nathan Bug. My redheaded boy. My drama queen. The boy who takes any moment, and turns it into laughter. His smile is contagious... his wit is wicked sharp... this kid is going to rule the world someday.

My friends. The people who "get" me. The ones who know how fucked up and strange I am.. and not only LOVE that about me, but encourage me to fly that freak flag of mine high. The ones who have helped my find the courage to just be who I was meant to be...

My family. Although I often feel like the biggest black sheep of them all... They're still a part of me. Our agreements and disagreements have also helped shape who I am


Also, in no particular order.... a random list of things I am thankful for:

Coffee, calorie free sweetener, reeses cups, wine, vodka, glitter, bacon, 8 inch heels, porn shops, push up bras, fishnet stockings, pantene conditioner, tattoos, people who do my tattoos, unicorns, everything bagels, knee socks, knee boots, all you can eat sushi...

And let's not forget, the internets.

Things I have learned in life... (I've lost track of which number I'm on)

People spend far too much time focusing where they *don't belong*... (where they don't fit in, etc). That only adds to the whole "feeling lonely" thing...  Once you start realizing where you DO fit in? You care less about where you don't fit in. You'll be having too much of a good time/life where you were meant to be and who you were meant to surround yourself with.

It's cliche, but actions really do speak louder than words. Too many people talk a lot, and don't even walk hand in hand with their own words.

There is no such things as too many hugs and kisses

Want positive in your life? Be/think positively. (it works) Want negativity? Keep complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.

If you have *what feels like the world* depending on you... STOP and take some time for yourself. You're no good to anybody if you let yourself get run down/over.

Everybody has their own vices. The funny thing is, they're always going to judge your vice before they judge their own.

Various things I have learned over the years .. part 3

Sometimes, you really need to take a break.. even if there is still much to be done, your body needs a break every now and then. If you don't let your body rest? Your body WILL make you pay dearly...

There are people on this planet that will do you wrong, and not feel bad for it, nor say sorry. These same people will often be viewed as "outstanding citizens"... "good people".. (etc)...  carrying on their facade, while also carrying around dirty little secrets. (Of course, nobody is perfect, but that's never an excuse to hurt/abuse/use others). There is nothing you can do about this. Accept this. But also learn from this, rise above this, and be better than those people.

There are also those who will use any and every excuse in the book to not better themselves and their life. Don't be that person.

Believe in magic.

Eat more fruits and vegetables.  Your body deserves that much...

Talk TO your children, not AT your children. Let them voice their opinion, and don't raise your voice when you disagree with them. They're individuals, not robots that you program.  If you can't deal with having kid that has a different opinion/lifestyle than you? Then don't have kids. Get a dog.

Success is subjective.

I have a confession to make: I was voted "most likely to succeed" in high school.

The funny thing about that is, I didn't understand what "success" was. I was just the girl who graduated valedictorian, called on the stage numerous time for the awards... etc.. but beyond that? What was "success" after high school, and HOW do/did I achieve it?

Back then, I assumed it was going to the best college, get the best job, make most money...(I don't know how one achieves ANY of that without a decent stable/personal foundation to start life on.. but that's another story)... and when people expect so much from you, and you are unable to live up to *their* expectations... it is a HUGE blow to  your self esteem, and you carry that "failure" bag around. I was NOT successful... (and that bag was heavy)

Now that I'm older, with a little bit more life under my belt... my idea of "success" has changed quite a bit ... I still think college is important, but I've learned that you can be happy without it. Money is important... but not necessary for happiness. (I mean, the hub-monster and I... along with our 2 boys... have been poor as hell... to living comfortably. We've always been a happy family. Money had nothing to do with that. Sacrifice, quality time together, PATIENCE, and communication did all that).

To me, success means finding yourself, being happy, surviving the bad, sharing the good, and making the best of life.


In that respect, I have succeeded.

Being a pretty ugly girl in a pretty ugly world

If there's anything I learned about being pretty ... it's to forget what you see as being "pretty", and focus on what makes you FEEL pretty.

RUN: broken_record

I think I was an UGLY child. I was. I'll face it. I could have easily been found on that awkwardfamilyphotos website. I was tall, skinny (I mean SKINNY.. bordering on starvin marvin skinny), huge purple glasses.. I mean yah, I was a nerd (smart) but boy did I play the physical part WELL.

Eventually, I started experimenting with clothes and hair and make up. And I made plenty of mistakes in the process (who doesn't??). Eventually.. somewhere during my marriage.. I settled for the blonde hair thing... because everybody said I looked pretty (side note: What I am about to say is not me saying "blonde isn't pretty" so don't get all butthurt if you're a blonde) I didn't FEEL pretty though. Can one be pretty and not feel pretty? I think so. I decided to go back to my roots, literally. I went back to red hair. Which I like. And it helped.. but it wasn't enough.

Long story short, I went from being geeky looking redhead in HS, to a purple haired, tattooed, bombshell. Ok.. so I'm a little flat chested to be a bombshell. But my point is I FEEL pretty. THIS is what makes me pretty. Being colorful, being different, being decorated.... this is what feels pretty for me. No, it's not for everyone.. but neither is being blonde.. or wearing make up... or whatever it is you might do to make  yourself FEEL pretty.

Stop trying to figure out what it is that will please everyone else. Do what makes YOU happy. Wear what makes YOU happy. If you want to walk around wearing a tiara and a glittery feather boa? WHAT are you waiting for??? Permission?? PFFT!! Just do it. Do it once, do it a thousand times. Do it because you might just feel fucking fabulous.

Feeling pretty might bring on some snickers... or stares.. or insults. But that's their problem, not yours. Because chances are if that is the case? You have more pretty in your pinky toe, than someone judging you does in their entire body. Those people come and go. You'll be there with yourself for life. It's worth it to feel  pretty... for yourself <3 "You're worth it"